In one of my last week's posts, I mentioned that my best friend is (once again) living a life that is in shambles. On the romance front, she has had a difficult brief relationship with a restaurant-owner from Turkey (non US citizens) whom she had a brief fling, leaving her thinking she was pregnant at 46. This wasn't the case, they reunited only for him to dump her (really break her heart since she hadn't dated in six years) for a women he had never met but had an online relationship with. So, there is trouble on the love front.

She has had a difficult time with steady employment, despite she is an OT that seems to be a booming field with lots of career opportunities. Starting in January she had a job outpatient pediatric, which she loved, but the boss was from Hell, so she quit. She signed up with an agency that placed her in a 13 week maternity leave assignment, that she was just barely able to complete due to the rigorous paperwork demands. She found herself this present job in a senior care facility, doing both inpatient and outpatient care (it is a set up where there is independent living and also assisted living). She can't deal with the boss here, so she has given her 30 days notice and is having two agencies actively attempting to place her (one is a school-based position in a suburb that isn't in the best neighborhood) and the other is out in boonies way west of here. So she's essentially going to be unemployed in 28 days.

She initially thought that she would relocate to Denver, seeking a transfer within the same company she works for now. Denver is out of the plans now, since the whole shooting, etc. In the interim of deciding to leave and then changing her mind, she rented her condo for a two-year lease that will cover her rent, insurance, taxes and home owners association + $100 a month. Well, she isn't leaving the area any more and doesn't have a place to live. She's like to rent this adorable house that will be on the market for another two weeks, and if they can't sell, they will consider renters. However, friend's credit situation might very well prevent her from renting this place. At $1,600 she'd need a roommate to cover the expenses on the place. So we have no stable living situations.

I can usually try to help her see what might be on the horizon, the online man from Denmark who really wants to meet her, the possible return to a school-based position where she is at least proficient, maybe she could afford the house she sees herself in. In doing so and trying to be upbeat, I realize that I've might have done her a real disservice.

She's a month behind on her mortgage. She wants to declare bankruptcy on her $20K in credit card debt. Her condo is upside down by probably $40K + her $15K home equity line. Her $80K student loan is in forbearance or deferment limbo because she can't afford to pay on it. She said to me, "Should I declare bankruptcy?"

I said that I wouldn't, not for $20K and she needs a budget. A spending plan. A goal. An overall picture of her entire situation. She said, "Will you help me?" I said that I thought she needed a more professional point of view. She said she couldn't afford it. I unfortunately have been through and am qualified to run a "Seven Steps to Financial Freedom", but that is through our parish and I don't even want to deal with it. She unfortunately knows I've been on Catholic radio discussing Canon Law and how parochial school tuition is considered part of the tithe. These in her mind qualify me to "help" her.

I said I didn't think she'd like what I have to say because my approach at problem-solving has never really been hand-holding. I've tried the scolding and scoffing with her for years and it never worked. She's presently taking a lot of Ativan and has stated that she is glad that she is of a strong moral character because otherwise she would consider ending it all because she is on the fence of ending it. To that (I am a psychotherapist, MS earned prior to children) I had to remind her that I would have to let people know that she was a threat to herself.

UGH! OK, if you were me, would you try to help her figure out her finances? She makes $78K, I run my family and life on $65 salary + $15K rental property income. For whatever reason, she figures that getting her money life in order will magically make everything else fall into place. I've tried to make recommendation on books to ready, Mary Hunt and Neil Atkinson and Dave Ramsey. To no avail. I've talked about using Quicken, Microsoft Money, YNAB or Mint for having a track of what she is spending/doing. To no avail. I don't know how much more I have to offer. But, what if she is finally in dire straights and ready to deal with this? And I'm saying "NO".

ETA: She has underlying issues that she's addressed in therapy in the past, and she has an understanding of how her background has affected her present decision-making, though she hasn't really put what she's learned into effect. I have encouraged her to see someone other than her primary care about medication management and therapy. This is purely stepping in and looking at her financial picture. I don't think I want to do it.