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Home > Why bring the $5 pizza into it anyway? Or When grown-up friendship goes awry

Why bring the $5 pizza into it anyway? Or When grown-up friendship goes awry

February 21st, 2012 at 06:43 pm


This is a rant with the only financial aspect being a $5 pizza. But it might amuse you, or you could offer insight.

Our social network at this point is mostly the parochial school that our kids attend and the volunteer activities that we are involved in at the parish we worship at. I'm not outwardly social, but I do have a circle of friends that I'm generally happy with, unitl yesterday.

One of the people I regard as my closest of those friends through me for a loop yesterday. She is apparently having issues with her daughter (7th grade) who hero-worships my 7th grader. My daughter is happy to be middle of the road, not a Queen Wannabe. She's happily the least popular of the populars or the most popular of the unpopulars. It doesn't bother her and she has quite a few friends that she floats between.

Apparently my friend is *tired* of listening to the way things are at my house. I *let* my then 7th Grader skip Field Day last year and do something else (in her opinion, ditching isn't OK). She didn't like that I *let* my daughters wear strapless dresses to the Father-Daughter Dance at school (they were modest and tasteful, looked beautiful, and wore appropriate shrugs at the event). I *let* my daughters see "Twilight: Breaking Dawn." Get-togethers with friends at my house can last hours and hours. I will accomodate last minute requests for sleepovers. At my house, you won't be bothered by younger siblings, etc. etc.

OK, I don't usually comment on what goes on in other people's houses, though I have my own ideas. My children are regarded as kind and polite and most family's at the school have 2.5 kids, we double that. My friend is a control-freak who is a helicopter parents and the things she has shared with me about other people's kids have me feeling that her daughter will have no boundaries and it is no wonder she's turning out sneaky and manipulative. The mother's behavior has forced the daughter to have a very jaded view of her. The parents fight. There's been some domestic issues involving becoming physical. Leave me out of it. I don't want to sit down with your child. Get a real therapist. I hung up my hat a long time ago.

The worst blow came when she said, "My child is OK eating Little Ceasar's pizza at your house. Why is it that at my house they have to eat Home Run Inn pizzas which set me back $50 for two?"

I know my child well enough to know that she'd never express any sentiment other than politeness, and I feel bad that I actually said, "My child had an issue with what you were feeding her?" Maybe too incredulously,

My friend said, "No it is my child. She's just not happy with anything."

My husband was accused of being too enthusiastic about life. My daughter was accused of snubbing this grown-up friend, though she back-pedaled a bit when I said, "You mean my daughter has been disrespectful for over a year and you haven't told me." and then I was insightful enough to say, "You've said that *M* has said that don't like (my daughter). Could that have been communicated to (my daughter) somehow and she is responding to that situation?"

I had to say that while they can still socialize, I think there should be clear limits on the amount of time spent (to address my so-called friends concerned about lots of time spent at my house) together, my daughter won't be called, I also said that I don't want my daughter communicating about things that I say to her with the other girl, and vice versa. I said that she (my friend) should encourage her daughter to have other friends outside of my daughter because it doesn't appear to be healthy for anyone involved.

And I wanted to candidly say, "I keep my household running on $100 a week. That is food, paper, cleaning products, pet food, fresh produce, dairy, meat, etc.). And if I don't feel like feeding everyone tuna and noodle casserole when friends are over, I will buy the party pack at Little Cesar's for $16 which will get me two pizzas, breadsticks sauce and a 2L of soda."

Leave me alone.

26 Responses to “Why bring the $5 pizza into it anyway? Or When grown-up friendship goes awry”

  1. snshijuptr Says:
    1329850362

    I'm sorry that you feel that you need to limit your daughter and her friend's time together. Obviously this girl comes from a less-than-ideal household. DH and I both grew up in enviable families, like yours, where things where happy and simple. Many of our friends have grown up now and talk about the positive influence our parents had on them. Kids from unhappy families need models of happy, healthy families so they can understand what to strive for when they grow up and break the unhealthy cycle.

  2. laura Says:
    1329851616


    Thank you for your comment. It has me rethinking some things.

  3. CB in the City Says:
    1329851893

    Wow. She is very judgmental. The way you run your own home is not her business, and you do not need her input. It sounds to me like she is looking for a scapegoat for her own problems.

  4. creditcardfree Says:
    1329851964

    My two cents: I agree with snshijuptr, but I also think you need to keep in mind this seems to be issue the mother is having. Not your problem. If a counselor is needed, then yes, of course, find a current practicing one.

  5. laura Says:
    1329852562



    I took away from the whole conversation that she questions my judgment as a parent. She's accused me in the past of being "too Catholic" (if there can be such a thing) and I am having hesitations about bringing this girl with us to "Nun Camp" at Manitowoc, WI in June.


  6. ceejay74 Says:
    1329853767

    How infuriating. Made my blood boil just to imagine it. Why parents have to get so defensive over little tiny parenting differences I have no idea. And if she really expressed anger over your husband having too much enthusiasm, she's just nuts! Good luck with this quagmire.

  7. laura Says:
    1329854342


    The comment about DH's enthusiasm: two years ago, DH works for a company that sponsored a Jonas Brothers Concert and he took our two daughters, their best friends, and their friends' sisters to the practice concert. DH was happy to do it since he is usually involved with our boys. Apparently both girls have complained to their dad about "Why isn't he as fun as Mr. *M*?" I guess no good deed goes unpunished?

  8. PNW Mom Says:
    1329859129

    She obviously has issues....if you want to let your kids see a movie that you, as a parent are ok with, then it is none of her business....if you as a parent, let your girls wear clothing you as a parent think is acceptable, again, none of her business. These are YOUR children and how you parent them and how you run your household is none of her business. You sound like a loving caring parent and person.....I think she has some major jealously issues. I think her children are the ones that are going to suffer.

  9. MonkeyMama Says:
    1329860180

    Ouch!

    This is one of those things where "it's not about the pizza." & frankly, it's not about the words coming out of her mouth. Too Catholic? Too fun? Too lenient? Is there anything you are doing right, then? Wink But seriously, sounds like she complain no matter what you do.

    She's simply got issues and she is taking them out on you. & of course, the kids suffer.

    ((HUGS))

  10. laura Says:
    1329860372


    My daughter came home from school and shared that this woman (my friend and mother of her friend) had a conversation with another friend's mother about my child's lack of conversing with adults. The other friends mother said my daughter is a very nice girl and maybe just shy, to which my friend/other mother said, "I think she is just rude."

    I really want to spare my daughter this, but unfortunately I feel that this situation is going to get worse.

    I am also majorly afraid that she is going to turn something I said into something that it isn't. A friend of mine from high school is a photographer and has a son at the school my kids go to. He has some awesome equipment and we talked about having him take some head shots/comp sheet photos for my older daughter. He happened to have been a senior content editor for Playboy - who knows how that will play out. Ugh.

  11. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:
    1329862686

    Could she be a person on the verge of a serious emotional breakdown? Is she jealous of-- your daughter? Strange. I don't often ascribe jealousy, but maybe this is the case?

  12. laura Says:
    1329863051


    I honestly don't know.

  13. rob62521 Says:
    1329864173

    It sounds like this other gal's mom has big issues and instead of facing them, blew up at you. It's never easy to be the target, especially when you didn't do anything to deserve it.

  14. ThriftoRama Says:
    1329874004

    Wow. I'm speechless.

  15. Thrifty Ray Says:
    1329875962

    Peyton Place much? She honestly sounds like a gossip monger. I would take EVERYTHING she says with a grain of salt. (Hopefully the other moms do too) If the girls want to be friends perhaps its best if they do hang at your more relaxed home...I can only imagine what its like where mom needs that kind of stroking and attention...Id be leary of sending my child there.

  16. baselle Says:
    1329879716

    Wow. Speaking as a child whose mom was nuts like that, I managed to escape that by noticing that no one shared any of my mom's opinions. (but to notice I had to make some friends. Big Grin.) However, I feel your pain; you're only putting up with mom for the sake of the daughter's friendship. Cutting contact and teaching that not everybody has to know your business are valuable skills. I have to second snshijuptr that if there is a way to cut out the mom but somehow maintain the girl's friendship that would do a world of good.

    How can you be too religious in a parochial school? I'm assuming that your religion matches the parochial school.

  17. frugaltexan75 Says:
    1329886139

    I echo the other's 00 Wow! This woman has some gall, and a good dozen or more issues she needs to deal with soon or she's going to find herself really lonely when her daughter can get out of the house.

  18. wowitsawonderfullife Says:
    1329914919

    Since this woman seems to have no boundries perhaps you need to tell her. I had a friend who felt is was acceptable to comment on my husband (his weight, his job, his activities with the kids) and I just said "No, this is not something I will discuss with you". It kept her quiet - for a while. I think some people just need reason to justify their very sad existence. I feel bad for you and your daughter to be put in this situation.

  19. My English Castle Says:
    1329939799

    Wow. She seems to take on lots of her daughter's issues, and seems to be really troubled. If my few weeks in the Fay's Love and Logic class taught me anything, it's not to take on the kid's problems so much. We're raising them to solve their own problems, right? Sigh.

  20. Looking Forward Says:
    1330030832

    Goodness! I think ignoring the mom while still having your daughter maintain a friendship with the girl is going to be the best thing. It's also going to be the trickiest thing too. Big Grin
    I am confused too - just like some of the other comments - You are TOO Catholic, but your girls are allowed to "run wild"; what with strapless dresses and watching movies and eating cheap pizza. Rolleyes
    Your "friend" is messed up! I'd keep her away from me.

  21. jperryharris Says:
    1330095866

    Well sounds kinda similar to our situation that happened recently at our place! This family moved into our neighborhood a few weeks ago well happen to be that this new little girl is in my daughters 4th grade class, I okay'd her to go play as long as I met the girls mother so I went to meet her the first day and she seemed kinda off(a few screws loose) I found it weird that as a woman and a mother that she didn't seem interested in basic conversation with an adult?? My maternal instinct kicked in full blast and every time my daughter was over something wasn't sitting right so I'd go down to see what the girls were doing, I didn't want the girls mother to think I didn't trust my daughter which I do. Well within that first few days actually the day after I met her she left the girls at home by themselves with 2 babies unattended(for a few hours)! Then she told my daughter not to tell me about this! What did she think my daughter would actually hide these things from me she was dead wrong my family is VERY close knit and I teach them the importance of being truthful! My daughter shared with me how scared she was that day and that she felt bad for this little girl(I understand that and that's ok) So I told my daughter she was NOT allowed to play at this child's home but that she was welcome to play at our home with her and that was the only option. So this is what happened When I decided to pick my daughter up that prior week this woman just snapped on me without notice(I knew from the beginning someone wasn't right) in front of my husband and kids! How dare she! AT that point she'd lost all respect I had for her. That next week she had the nerve to call me on a sunday morning at 7am and ask me to get her baby some milk! (which then my hubby replied definitely not!)then that following day asked me to take her to the doctors 15 miles away! I told her NO.It got so bad I had to call my cell phone provider and ask me to block her number. Then her husband had the nerve to tell my sweet daughter(she went down to see if her friend could play over) that her friend wasn't allowed at our home anymore but that she could play there at their home! WHAT do you really think after you left my daughter at your home alone with yours and 2 babies and then told her to lie to me that I would trust her to your care, I DON'T THINK SO! So to make a long story short My heart goes out to all these young children who are not being raised in a Christ-filled home. I pray for all of them every day. I understand where your coming from 100%! Its so sad..........In the end God prevails!(this little girl not being aloud at our home anymore was actually an answer to my prayers)

  22. momcents Says:
    1330096574


    @ jpharris, thanks for sharing your situation. I agree that all family's are different and what is good for mine might not be good for yours. However, as a so-called friend, you should respect my right to parent and not comment on it after the fact to my face. I should add that in the past I was very supportive (and in retrospect shouldn't have been) when this friend snapped and touched her child (and some other things followed). Ultimately, my child isn't safe or comfortable at her home (based on some other things my daughter has since shared). I should add that we all are active and attend a parochial school and Catholic church, so these are faith-based adults we're talking about. I've violated my new attitude that this is Lent and I'm past this. Honestly, my feelings are still hurt by all of it. Frown

  23. jperryharris Says:
    1330107318

    The Lord has spoken "You are forgiven my child" always and forever! Never forget that momcents, Dont allow the devil to steal YOUR joy! God bless you! Wink

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  26. EarlyRetirementJoy Says:
    1330559953

    As so many have already suggested, this appears to not be about you at all, but rather about this woman's very unhappy existence. Each unkind thought expressed is coming from a place of intense misery. If you can see her misery, rather than absorbing her words, you may find that her words no longer have any ability to hurt you.

    I would stand my ground at anything directed at a child however, as it appears you are doing. I would also continue to encourage the girls play at your home, where her daughter appears to be very, very happy to be. :-)

    You've indicated you've heard this friend make unkind remarks about others. People do always show us who they are - and it sounds like she did before she eventually turned on you. Now that you know, I see no need to continue to try and foster a friendship. Simply ignore or walkaway from her chaos as appropriate. You are not the only adult feeling this way I am sure, and it often takes just one person calmly standing their ground to stand down a bully. Which is what she appears to be.

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