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What to do when the language of love is spoken in money?

November 12th, 2013 at 03:20 pm


In some previous version of this blog (this is the third reincarnation, similar to Dr. Who!) I have divulged about my biological father. He was married to my mother long enough to produce two children (me and my brother) was an abusive control freak who came from a family with money but didn't bother to pay regular child support. Many rough years and experiences that I have worked hard to move past.

Anyhow, my DH used to work for my father doing apartment building maintenance and repair and management. There was a huge fall out four years ago and my DH stopped working and speaking to my father. The substance of the argument really boiled down to my father's love life, lack of fidelity, what I knew because I used to listen to his crazy girlfriend, and what I told DH not to share. Not to be involved. It wasn't moral or right. So DH was loyal to me, not him and it all ended very badly.

I haven't seen my father in four years. I do send him a Father's Day card and a Christmas card (with usually a small token gift, like a keychain or Christmas ornament). I do this because in my faith I am taught to honor my parents, this is the best that I can do. I did talk to him in March when his sister died. I've learned not to expect things of people, but I had hoped he would at least go to the funeral. But he didn't and then had choice words to share about his sister's husband. etc.

Why the backstory? Not quite sure. Just wanted to set the scenario.

My birthday is Friday. My brother (who is still pretty thick with my father despite their own tumultuous past) dropped off a birthday card. My father always remembers my birthday with $300-$400. This year he gave me $700 in cash. Probably because my brother shared that my husband will probably be unemployed come January.

I don't really know why I feel conflicted about this $700. I suppose he's worried about me. I just wish he didn't speak the language of love with money. His parents did it (but I was always the good girl of the grandkids and never any trouble, so I wasn't manipulated by their money). However, biological father has used money to control and manipulate in the past. Too bad I don't feel right taking his money.

Thanks for listening to this psychobabble. It will probably self-destruct shortly. Just wanted to put it out there so I can go back and reread it.

I am just confused.

6 Responses to “What to do when the language of love is spoken in money?”

  1. creditcardfree Says:

    If you can see it as love, rather than manipulation than it is wonderful and generous. If it really is for manipulation, than it should be refused. However, based on your back story he is consistent with money as a gift for your birthday, which sounds like love to me. I would accept it.

  2. FreebieQueen Says:

    My suggestion is to put it into a separate account and only use it if absolutely necessary. If your husband finds employment before you need to use it then either give it back to your bio dad or donate to a worthy charity.

  3. CB in the City Says:

    My take on it is -- it is a gift. I would say thank you. Then, if manipulation comes along, I would point out that it was a gift, was it not? And I am not for sale, actually. I'm sorry you were mistaken about that.

    If he really expects to control you through money, just don't let him control you. He will stop "giving" if it doesn't work for him.

    I know, easier said than done! Smile

  4. My English Castle Says:

    Yes, it sounds like his own guilt is also seeping through. I'd stash it in the emergency fund and stay the course. Does he write a note or anything? Or just a card and cash?

  5. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    I think I'd go with what CB said - look at it as a gift.

  6. SicilyYoder Says:

    I'd look at it as a gift.

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