I had a tantrum yesterday (of the written kind). Feeling sorry for myself - while DH is off galavanting in the Ft Lauderdale sun. Also feeling jealous that my father throws his money around like mud while I am running around picking up every speck of dirt I can find to build a measly little ant hill of money to buy a dress.

Fast forward several hours later: my second daughter already had her dance dress. She is a better dancer than the older one (or she is further along the curve by about three months). The older one loves dance far more than the younger, and practices far more. She has dealt with the younger one getting her dress earlier (this dress is an honor - you graduate from the school dress and in this case, the girls are competing in the top 100 dancers in their age level in the midwest). So they have aspired to the solo dress for quite some time.

Yesterday, dear daughter (oldest) got to bring her dress home. She was so radiantly happy and said, "Mom, they said the dress was made to fit me - my size AND my color." She beamed ... the price of the dress is $1,500. That is a lot, but it could be more. I had figured $1,250. But this dress came with the earrings and two different headpiece options, plus bloomers. She seriously said to me, "Mom, THIS IS the dress I have always wanted. Is it a lot of money?" I explained that she worked hard for this, she demonstrated maturity in dealing with the fact that her younger sister is a bit ahead of her in progress, that her dad and I would have plunkered down MORE money than this. I am so glad to be able to have a girl with a grateful heart, and she is truly happy. Hard work for her had paid off.

The opposite extreme of my father who is piggish and grand is my mother. Younger daughter's dress went to the seamstress yesterday and my mother in a hushed tone said, "Did you find out how much THOSE are going to cost?" I know she means well, but I have inherited my insecurities about money from her. I don't know which extreme is better - having no worry at all (and no plan for fiscal failure) or being cautious about every dollar (or cent).

And the thing is: I don't advertise the fact that I am worried about money (It is my own private battle, my own tortured existence). I don't run around saying how much things cost. People know my DH is always gone working and we have our kids in a Catholic school (choice, no complaints here). I have always maintained that it all has to do with managing one's resources. We can have it all, just not all at the same time.